Winter is most clearly here now. My muscles and bones have been at me lately, giving me grief and asking “where's that warm sunshine we love so much?” For me, it's usually the winter season with all it's chilly morning's, crisp air and quiet nights that compel me to think more deeply and reflect on my life and things that truly matter. Getting ready to put another year behind and start over once again with new resolutions, new hopes and dreams.
I woke up this morning, 6am, and decided to throw on my Playing for Change hoody which I treasure. A well worn hoody at that, full of holes and well used, I pull the hood up over my head and walk outside in the 22 degree coldness. With a steamy cup of espresso in tow I stare up at the great hills of the Sandia mountains. My hands trying to keep warm from the heat of my cup. The smoke rises from our chimney like prayers going up into the air. That sacred smell of cedar and pine that somehow makes your soul feel at home sweet home. Fabian worked so hard yesterday to chop wood for us so we won't freeze our asses off. (laugh out loud) I am thankful for the blessing of a wood stove, a few good pieces of wood and a loving man. It's the small and simple things sometimes that make life so beautiful.
I feel so much gratitude for this life that Fabian and I have found together. The memories for me personally before I met Fabian are filled with bitter sweet memories of painful moments and joyful victories all mixed in together like a flaming marshmallow. The most joyous memories I have and hold dear to my heart are of my children. Those precious lives who to this day put a big smile on my heart and will forever more.
When I think of all that Fabian and I have been through before we met and now together for the past fifteen years it never ceases to amaze me. Our great Creator weaves His incredibly wondrous plan into our existence like a mad scientist, a fitful painter and a loving parent. Life seems to go between complete madness to a grand orchestra. I have walked a rough and difficult road throughout my life. I was a rebellious and determined soul wavering between what I thought was right and blind ambition. I'm always thankful for the love and patience of my Mother. I know I drove her half crazy. I've always been a tomboy and a insane chance taker. I am thankful for the mighty force who made us to the watching ancestors who can lovingly smile and direct us like a toddler learning to walk, in all our foolishness to a better, healthier place in spite of ourselves. Of course, it helps a lot if our hearts are open to change, open to wisdom and those things we call ears can listen to people who truly care about us. I have tried to embrace every moment with an open heart, hoping to find sense and lessons in each day.
I'm still standing out here, starting to feel the cold at my feet. Doesn't help that I'm only wearing my slippers. I think my slippers were mad at me because they were thrown at the back of the closet for a long hot summer. Anyone that knows me also knows that when I'm home the shoe's actually fly right off of my feet. I can't stand to wear shoes but of course I can't go barefoot all around town and especially in winter. So, the slippers are a good stand by for going outside in the cold winter morning when we're home. The slippers seem to have forgiven me as they are warming up pretty good now.
I wake up each morning with a different frame of mind these days, the god of age is whispering. I'm trying to figure out if this just sucks and be mad about it or how to gracefully embrace it. I know now that no matter how many expensive creams I purchase, magic anti-aging pills I take it will not stop the aging process. Rats!! In the depth of my heart I know I must accept what is destiny and will enjoy my later days with grace. In my mind I'm looking back down that road to the past and I can see growth and change, wisdom is seeping into my bones.
So, I am looking up at this massive, gentle, beautiful mountain in front of me and I'm comparing it to my life. To me it represents all the struggles and the joys of my life. I am heading to the top of the mountain in my mind and in my heart.. as I attempt to reach the heights I look for the blessings of the journey, the rewards for all the wicked sufferings that have weighted my feet down as I've traveled but that have given me valuable insights.
Stay strong on your journey, I wish you love, warmth and introspective moments throughout this winter season. May it lead you to a beautiful Spring with more growth and wisdom for the days ahead. I pray all your lessons lead you to a bountiful harvest of the heart, soul and mind.
I'm heading inside now, pumpkin pancakes sound good right about now.